Saturday, August 16, 2008

Shopping with Anna Nicole Smith and the senile lady from "The Notebook"

Sad Fact of My Life #1: My grandmother is my best friend. Ever. I am equal parts slightly embarassed/completely honored by this. She is also completely awesome in everyway. However...she has a hard time remembering things. Like, lots of things.

Sad Fact of My Life #2: My mother is Anna Nicole Smith's forgotten twin. I love her. Very much. But...*sigh* I didn't sign up for that.

Sad Fact of My Life #3: Besides Granny Smith and Anna Nicole II, my only companions are my bitch dog, appropriately named Paris, and the people in the books that I read and the movies I watch.

Tonight we all decided to go shopping. Shopping trips with these two people are some of the most annoying, anger-inducing occurences you could ever possible imagine. And here's why:

We get to said store in search of a new TV. The last time we bought a new TV was 2001 when we moved to this shitfuck state (Pennsylvania), so I daresay we're well overdue. Arriving in the electronics section of the store we're overwhelmed but flatscreens, plasmas, LCDs, etc. After arguing for a good 45 minutes about how good the picture is on this one (it sucked) and how high the price is on that one (pretty reasonable, actually), we finally all agree on one only to find that it's not in stock. At all.

After this we all wander around in pursuit of our own interests with myself going to the book section, Grandma Notebook heading to the food section, and Anna Nicole remaining in electronics in search of the perfect stereo. I browse the many titles of the many shiny new books but don't feel compelled to buy any of them. After about fifteen minutes I return to electronics to find Anna Nicole standing in the exact same spot that I left her in. She looks at me with a contemplative face.

"Does this stereo play DVDs, do you think?" she asks me.
"No, mom. First of all stereos don't play DVDs. DVD players play DVDs. Secondly, you want a stereo, and what you've been looking at for the past fifteen minutes is a set of speakers."
"So...I can't watch CDs on this?"
I pause for a moment to wonder what exactly I did in my former life to deserve this then reply, "Just walk away." I was saying that more to myself, though, and so I do.

There's much more to this incredibly pointless and irksome story, but I haven't the energy to continue.

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